February Takeaway

February has always been a favorite month of mine since it's my birthday month.

This year, it feels liberating. I thank God to make this year extra by putting that day became the office gathering day, especially the award I got at that occasion. It's like the cherry on top of all the blessings that day.

I really feel extremely loved and celebrated.

I dimmed my light unconsciously after all the gaslights I face. I was questioning myself a lot at the lowest point of my life. Do I deserve to be loved? Will I be okay being single after all those years? Will I be feeling lonely? and other questions that fed my insecurities. I am grateful that I'm surrounded by loving and caring people. From family, high school buddies, college pals, office mates (even the last and current), fellow artists, and friends. My heart is full and I believe everything will come in a full circle, filled with love, hope, and joy. At the end, I am no longer asking if I'm deserved to be loved, I am loved already. Immense love.

P.S. I tried CrossFit and it reveals the other side of me??? It's fun I can say. Can't believe I've committed to 6-months gym subscription and have just sign up for 8 more months 😂 Bravo, Vina! You've just unlocked your wish to join a new community 👍🏻

Wake Up Call

I made it to a therapist.

I couldn't hold my anger so I immediately book one last week. My life was in peace until the truth crushed me down. It costed me my hardly earned tranquility. But everything seemed fall accordingly. The timing, the place, the budget, and the phase, you name it.

I skipped my anger, being aware that hatred is a soul consumer. So I let it go. Furious isn't my favorite feeling. But it was all me, I guess The Good God let me to experience all of this otherwise. I remember the moment I get to know the fact, I was at home, surrounded by my family, my safe place. Can't imagine if It happened when I was alone in Bandung. Then I impulsively decided to book a session with a psychologist, with no budget on my plate. But that day I got some dimes to my bank account just in an enough amount for a 2-hours therapy session. Coincidentally.

The session itself was nice, little cry but more laugh. I laugh for everything that has happened and the fear I face. Overall, It was warm and humbling, getting to know myself even more and helped me to elaborate the emotions within.

Several days after, I still burned over everything. Questioning and trying to understand. But these days I surrender. I prepare my self just to get ready. For everything. To patiently believe in myself. So don't worry, reap what you sow. I poured love. So much love I could give.

P.S. I always talked about a home and a house with a washing machine and refrigerator and why is it so hard to accomplish. In a breathing session, I came to a question. Is it really just all I want? Because it was only a bare minimum. Was my mind blocked to aim higher after years?

Shit happened

Never have I imagined in my life that I'll be involved in a such drama. A betrayal one. The worst one.

After five month of a quiet heartbreak (which still defend you here and there. I know I know it's stupid), finally the rage slipped in. The step that I don't think I need. You make a fool of me. For the things I confronted many times. Finally, I come to the decision to start to see you that low. Congrats, I guess? Because you know hate is a big word for me.

Your decision is disappointing me. Instead of working on yourself, you jump to start over with the old person. The one I know will still get flashed over your high explanations without knowing what's within. I would appreciate better if it was a new fresh start. Something that you haven't done for so long.

I thought we were a match since I guess we are in the same base. But no. You can't bear with me standing equally with you. You want somebody who adore you so much on the surface. Good luck if it was always be your dream.

P.S. I really can't wait for the moment to punch you in the face. I really mean it. I've been spending hours in the gym.

Heartbreak Newsletter #5

Hello again since I decided to make the fifth edition of this newsletter after three weeks.

A quick recap, I met your mother. Just to make a closure to myself, to prove that I didn't get any rejection (again). I was quite happy since I like your mom. I tried so hard not to cry though words are ready to burst out of my mouth. But after of our convo, I realize that in the end she is your mother. She just trying to protect you at all cost while trying to be kind with me who be the go-to person then. Thank you tante for being nice to me all this time.

I finally told Ibu. Be strong, she said. I don't even know if I'm strong enough. After that moment, I felt brave. I am being open that I am no longer in an over-decade relationship to my family. Even to my office colleague. That way I felt stronger.

I'm no longer crying since I told Ibu and met your mom. I think my sad era was over. I am grateful for that.

Sadly, It's not over yet. 

Suddenly a tsunami of memories came to my mind. Both good and bad. Do I deserve to be treated like this? Being left after all this time and efforts? Both questions came with the idea of trying to understand the condition you've been through. Mind fuck. I don't even know if I'm a naive little empathetic saint or just dumb.

And as the cherry on top, I see you. You saw me. We were passing by on Friday. Another anomaly. (Though I'm freezing, busy trying to make sure that it was you in front of me walking while I'm on the motorcycle behind a driver.)

I'm glad to get to see you honestly. Just to know you didn't work overtime that day, not looking so tired like you used to. I think I'm fine. No more cry after seeing you.

Sadly, it's not like everything is fine. 

The feeling of not deserved to be love is coming back just like a fast train coming over and over to my mind. I felt nauseous. I realize that I miss you when now you're missing from my life. I felt safe since Nadia is coming to my place yesterday. But when she's going back to Jakarta, I'm back to ugly cry mode.

It's okay. My today's feelings maybe will expire tomorrow. I made it the last two weeks without tears. And these days is my PMS moment. It's okay.

Heartbreak Newsletter #4

 This one gonna be long.

I finally told my Dad. Thank to my sister for spilled it before I arrive home so it was my dad immediately hug and calm me. It hurts and I still can't hold the waterfall in my eyes. After Eyang passed away, I realized that I love hugs. A deep one.

On Monday, I accompanied Dad to pick my niece at school. My childhood kindergarten. I met my teacher, Bu Maria. The one I cried for after she cried at the last day in class in 2000. Back to that day I met her after a long long time, we united in a hug. A deep one. The one I look for. Tears coming out. Not only from mine, hers too. I don't know whether it was me so happy to finally see her again or because my heart was too fragile. She told me that I am her daughter, I already find my path. Path. This was the one word which made the river out of my eyes. I don't even know what path should I choose after your departure.

I was out of words. I don't even say kind words like "please be healthy and happy", "you look good", or thank you". My mind was devastated. I regret it so much and make a promise to myself to send her something on Christmas, or sooner as I feel better to write a letter. I just think that she felt my sadness. A sad girl aura.

-

I went back to Bandung to keep myself sane. Daily routine does force me to keep functioning.

It was an afternoon at the office when I received a message from a long lost friend who remove me from instagram. No, this one wasn't a love letter. Otherwise, it was an angry-revenge message. I was trembling when she told me that I used to put a bitterness in her life. Another rollercoaster moment in my life. Neither did I know, I am a villain in somebody's life. So I said sorry for any immature act I did and asked if there's more to make her relieve and release.

In a moment like this, I just thought about karma. Is this the moment when I need to pay anything bad I did? Or is this just a bad bowl I need to eat because my good bowl is running out?

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Talking about Netflix, you sign your account out of all my devices. I was in shock. But maybe it was you holding yourself not be in anything related to me. Or maybe you are just fed up? I guess if you read #3, you'll keep me there just to finish Love Next Door so I can make a review after its finale. So alright, I stopped at episode 7.

I bet you started to binge watching it because you find some similarities. Number one, it must be the job. Being an architect. The struggle to get another projects to keep the business running. Number two, this maybe wrong but we live just next door just like the main character. But the funny thing is I am not the lead actress. I feel like I'm the second lead actress, the ex who felt the desire alone. The spark. Though I was changing my career just like the lead.

I feel sad not to see our account next to each other anymore. But it is what it is. I still crying out of the blue and feel nauseous. My mood isn't fully back. Don't worry, I know this is something I can handle. There are always a hope in my mind but I don't know whether I should think about it or not. I wan't to text your mum just to say hi but I am not ready to hear any rejection. I wish you and your family well.

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My friends told me, at least a month of grieve so I planned this newsletter for four weeks. I don't know whether I should continue or not but I enjoyed writing this. Let's see next week.

P.S. I have some drafts in this blog and I reread them. It was a lovely one and a questioning one.

This one was ten years ago, 2014. When we started it all.

I bet this is why it feels really hurts, I found you like I discover my treasure.

And this one was in 2017, when I started to questioning.

Maybe this was a hint for a need to reconcile that time.

P.P.S. I am going to subscribe Netflix on my own.

Heartbreak Newsletter #3

False Rage

I thought about being mad. I considered myself as stable enough to let anger slip into my mind. Betrayed my first believe of being separated with you, that it was all about us reworking ourselves.

I thought about confrontation. Proving my ability to connecting the dots. Forced you to meet on Tuesday though you beg me not to. In the end, you did your best to break all my accusation. Though you are not a saint, I know you are trying. Just like you.

I thought about love. What is love with no romance? The losing spark. I always feel the spark even I know you don't. The feeling that I deny and fight for. But it takes two to tango. I can't dance alone in this sonata.

I thought about things I want to pursue. I could freely flap my wings because I knew I always have a nest called 'you'. Home is not always nice, sometimes it feels bad and weird even there were days I can't imagine it better. But the familiar feeling of stayed together calms me. Now I feel like in an autopilot mode. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.

I thought that I restarted the broken feeling. Broke it to smaller pieces to rearrange. It really hurts to remember us under the umbrella below the dark wet sky.

At the end, the surreal feeling of us feels absolute. Thought I literally burn the bridge by forcing you. The most hated thing of you but the least I can do to just reach you. Just like when we used to be.

P.S. I continue to watch Netflix. I found an on going series that match. Maybe until we finish the last episode?

Heartbreak Newsletter #2

 Week of Anger

I got an explosion of facts. Infidelity and lies. It hurts because I realize that every confrontation doesn't change anything because the tie has cut. But rage is rage. I am waiting for the time to tell all I know to you. Regret and honesty is all I want. Even it is hurt. I can't wait to tell you that I know how far you went low. 

It is confusing since I randomly asked for a chance to see you this morning and it was happening. In once in a zillion time possibility. Feels like the universe has arranged the moment to make our eyes met.

But no, I didn't neglect the hurtful facts. I cried because I asked for it and I got it.

P.s. On the early week, I still unwilling to watch Netflix, this evening I watch one. I just want to make a loss out of you.