Heartbreak Newsletter #5

Hello again since I decided to make the fifth edition of this newsletter after three weeks.

A quick recap, I met your mother. Just to make a closure to myself, to prove that I didn't get any rejection (again). I was quite happy since I like your mom. I tried so hard not to cry though words are ready to burst out of my mouth. But after of our convo, I realize that in the end she is your mother. She just trying to protect you at all cost while trying to be kind with me who be the go-to person then. Thank you tante for being nice to me all this time.

I finally told Ibu. Be strong, she said. I don't even know if I'm strong enough. After that moment, I felt brave. I am being open that I am no longer in an over-decade relationship to my family. Even to my office colleague. That way I felt stronger.

I'm no longer crying since I told Ibu and met your mom. I think my sad era was over. I am grateful for that.

Sadly, It's not over yet. 

Suddenly a tsunami of memories came to my mind. Both good and bad. Am I deserve to be treated like this? Being left after all this time and efforts? Both questions came with the idea of trying to understand the condition you've been through. Mind fuck. I don't even know if I'm a naive little empathetic saint or just dumb.

And as the cherry on top, I see you. You saw me. We were passing by on Friday. Another anomaly. (Though I'm freezing, busy trying to make sure that it was you in front of me walking while I'm on the motorcycle behind a driver.)

I'm glad to get to see you honestly. Just to know you didn't work overtime that day, not looking so tired like you used to. I think I'm fine. No more cry after seeing you.

Sadly, it's not like everything is fine. 

The feeling of not deserved to be love is coming back just like a fast train coming over and over to my mind. I felt nauseous. I realize that I miss you when now you're missing from my life. I felt safe since Nadia is coming to my place yesterday. But when she's going back to Jakarta, I'm back to ugly cry mode.

It's okay. My today's feelings maybe will expire tomorrow. I made it the last two weeks without tears. And these days is my PMS moment. It's okay.

Heartbreak Newsletter #4

 This one gonna be long.

I finally told my Dad. Thank to my sister for spilled it before I arrive home so it was my dad immediately hug and calm me. It hurts and I still can't hold the waterfall in my eyes. After Eyang passed away, I realized that I love hugs. A deep one.

On Monday, I accompanied Dad to pick my niece at school. My childhood kindergarten. I met my teacher, Bu Maria. The one I cried for after she cried at the last day in class in 2000. Back to that day I met her after a long long time, we united in hugs. A deep one. The one I look for. Tears coming out. Not only from mine, hers too. I don't know whether it was me so happy to finally see her again or because my heart was too fragile. She told me that I am her daughter, I already find my path. Path. This was the one word which made the river out of my eyes. I don't even know what path should I choose after your departure.

I was out of words. I don't even say kind words like "please be healthy and happy", "you look good", or thank you". My mind was devastated. I regret it so much and make a promise to myself to send her something on Christmas, or sooner as I feel better to write a letter. I just think that she felt my sadness. A sad girl aura.

-

I went back to Bandung to keep myself sane. Daily routine does force me to keep functioning.

It was an afternoon at the office when I received a message from a long lost friend who remove me from instagram. No, this one wasn't a love letter. Otherwise, it was an angry-revenge message. I was trembling when she told me that I used to put a bitterness in her life. Another rollercoaster moment in my life. Neither did I know, I am a villain in somebody's life. So I said sorry for any immature act I did and asked if there's more to make her relieve and release.

In a moment like this, I just thought about karma. Is this the moment when I need to pay anything bad I did? Or is this just a bad bowl I need to eat because my good bowl is running out?

-

Talking about Netflix, you sign your account out of all my devices. I was in shock. But maybe it was you holding yourself not be in anything related to me. Or maybe you are just fed up? I guess if you read #3, you'll keep me there just to finish Love Next Door so I can make a review after its finale. So alright, I stopped at episode 7.

I bet you started to binge watching it because you find some similarities. Number one, it must be the job. Being an architect. The struggle to get another projects to keep the business running. Number two, this maybe wrong but we live just next door just like the main character. But the funny thing is I am not the lead actress. I feel like I'm the second lead actress, the ex who felt the desire alone. The spark. Though I was changing my career just like the lead.

I feel sad not to see our account next to each other anymore. But it is what it is. I still crying out of the blue and feel nauseous. My mood isn't fully back. Don't worry, I know this is something I can handle. There are always a hope in my mind but I don't know whether I should think about it or not. I wan't to text your mum just to say hi but I am not ready to hear any rejection. I wish you and your family well.

-

My friends told me, at least a month of grieve so I planned this newsletter for four weeks. I don't know whether I should continue or not but I enjoyed writing this. Let's see next week.

P.S. I have some drafts in this blog and I reread them. It was a lovely one and a questioning one.

This one was ten years ago, 2014. When we started it all.

I bet this is why it feels really hurts, I found you like I discover my treasure.

And this one was in 2017, when I started to questioning.

Maybe this was a hint for a need to reconcile that time.

P.P.S. I am going to subscribe Netflix on my own.

Heartbreak Newsletter #3

False Rage

I thought about being mad. I considered myself as stable enough to let anger slip into my mind. Betrayed my first believe of being separated with you, that it was all about us reworking ourselves.

I thought about confrontation. Proving my ability to connecting the dots. Forced you to meet on Tuesday though you beg me not to. In the end, you did your best to break all my accusation. Though you are not a saint, I know you are trying. Just like you.

I thought about love. What is love with no romance? The losing spark. I always feel the spark even I know you don't. The feeling that I deny and fight for. But it takes to tango. I can't dance alone in this sonata.

I thought about things I want to pursue. I could freely flap my wings because I knew I always have a nest called 'you'. Home is not always nice, sometimes it feels bad and weird even there were days I can't imagine it better. But the familiar feeling of stayed together calms me. Now I feel like in an autopilot mode. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.

I thought that I restarted the broken feeling. Broke it to smaller pieces to rearrange. It really hurts to remember us under the umbrella below the dark wet sky.

At the end, the surreal feeling of us feels absolute. Thought I literally burn the bridge by forcing you. The most hated thing of you but the least I can do to just reach you. Just like when we used to be.

P.S. I continue to watch Netflix. I found an on going series that match. Maybe until we finish the last episode?

Heartbreak Newsletter #2

 Week of Anger

I got an explosion of facts. Infidelity and lies. It hurts because I realize that every confrontation doesn't change anything because the tie has cut. But rage is rage. I am waiting for the time to tell all I know to you. Regret and honesty is all I want. Even it is hurt. I can't wait to tell you that I know how far you went low. 

It is confusing since I randomly asked for a chance to see you this morning and it was happening. In once in a zillion time possibility. Feels like the universe has arranged the moment to make our eyes met.

But no, I didn't neglect the hurtful facts. I cried because I asked for it and I got it.

P.s. On the early week, I still unwilling to watch Netflix, this evening I watch one. I just want to make a loss out of you.

Heartbreak Newsletter #1

"A heartbreak newsletter"

There I name this (and upcoming) post since this is my first experience after a ten years relationship. No, this might be an emotional piece but I try not to (so please read with a grain of salt). And I honestly curious about what are you experiencing on the first week after a heartbreak.

I will write this in a time stamp method for this first newsletter. 

Day 1

After a night of a long and deep talk about ending our relationship, the feeling is surreal. A little numb since I have just experienced a loss of the passing of my dear granny. I woke up and wondering that something is missing and asking to myself what should I do next. I then decided to take a step, write a text to your mum. Told her my gratitude of getting to know her for all of these years. Just after tapping the send button, a tsunami of tears was coming. Realizing that I am not okay (yes, it was the opposite of what I said last night to you 'I am okay'). This relationship is not just for these two human beings.

I went right away to the office thinking I shall not be alone in a time like this. I told my friend who once experiencing an end of long-relationship about our story. Hoping she spilled some tips to get through this. She did. Just face it, she said. Another tsunami coming. That day is near to sucks. Feels sad and weird and relieved in a same way.

I took a relaxing yoga class at night to help me release my overload thoughts (not really helping but I can sleep faster)

Rate -5/10

Day 2

Wake up in the morning is the worst. Knowing something that change my routine happened. It was all good until I showered and realizing that I don't know when and how to tell my parents. It wasn't a tsunami, don't worry, just a little leak on my eyes. The rest of the day is me trying to focus with all the office tasks (though I failed to keep the focus)

Rate 1/10

Day 3

I slept over in my friend's place last night. It's nice not to be alone. I could blabbering all night about the days of ours. Both the nice and the hurt ones. Went to office, just in fact the deadlines is still on going regardless how I feel. My friends have warned me about the post-heartbreak random eye leaking. Doing just fine but suddenly my eyes just can't compromise. I finally experienced it. Don't worry, toilet to the rescue. I recalling the scenes of our nice and warm days. Those days I keep dearly.

Rate 3/10

Day 4

Morning yoga to keep me sane. I wish. My body was flexing, my breath was on hold, but my mind was rushing. I recalling the idea to do a girls trip with your sister and mum. No leak this day. 

At night, a dental filling just fall off my tooth. It's the other tooth I ever told you. The one that should bring us to a dental date together. It feels like both my body and soul started to conspire to fell all over the place. And it wasn't nice.

Rate 4/10

Day 5

I woke up still in my friend bed. I thought today will be okay. Turned out, other tsunami was coming. Weird isn't it? It came after I took a warm shower, which should be relaxing but in fact being alone (even in a quick moment) is like welcoming a storm of memories. 

After office, I joined a shooting session. Even in a fun moment, I thought about doing it with you since I know you will feel secretly cooler holding a gun just like in a fight or in a gundam aircraft war. I wish you try this. Just to lit yourself. I myself felt cool though I missed them (mostly).

I went back home a little bit since my friend was out of town and I had to go back alone.

Rate 3/10

Day 6

I woke up calling my sister. She was checking on me. I told her that this is my first weekend with no partner after a while. A long while ago. A little leak on call but my sister tried to distract. The rest of the day is me trying to get accountable for my delayed work. You said working is a distraction while I can't even know how to do it. But in the end, yes deadline knows no heartbreak.

Rate 4/10

Day 7

I went to church. Another leak when I delivered my feelings personally. Went to dentist afterward (the one which should be the date). I still have two deadlines, worked at it hardly since the idea of you vs what we are now is still unreal for me.

Rate 4/10

P.S. I watch any movie on Netflix this week. However I feel a little warm knowing our profile is still standing next to each other.

It’s been a while.

But the situation stay still.

Me. Questioning my self.

Doubting my self.

Regretting the thoughts I spit out of my lips.

Will I walk my talk?

Am I what they thought I would be?

All the “when will I do blah blah?”

Will I be alone? All the scary thoughts 

Or should I befriended with that worst expectation?

I wish I could live for tomorrow. Like if today is Sunday and tomorrow’s the last Monday I will ever experience. So no regret over anything. I’m just tired.

Resume

Hohoho sudah tanggal 14 bulan Februari lagi. No no no, I’m not gonna share something like my fear of getting older. I just wanna do some flashback as a message for me.

Being 25 is awesome, Vina. You did many things which was your dream. The biggest forte was being a children book illustrator. You can’t thank God enough for the opportunities.  That was fucking crazy. You’ve tried so many things like learnt Korean language, getting serious on business, dearly ROPA, making soap, watched movies alone, and mingle with your solitude.

As time passes by, you find that home is the sanctuary. You enjoyed yourself alone. You could dive on your mind although you slept most of the time. Lol.

Sometimes life felt so cruel and unfair. The fear of living separated with people you love and the fact you can’t control everything as you want. The fear of concept of money, what to do, what to spend until you find that it’s easier for you to give money to other than spent it alone. Nevertheless, I can say you did great on savings (though not everything goes by as you’ve planned, shit happen). The savings may not bought you a home neither an apartment like what you draw almost everyday but it was a good amount for safety net.

You afford yourself an iPad which you use to write this post right now. You were really proud of yourself for finally spend big amount of money for yourself, with no guilt because you know this fella gonna make you some bucks. You also did an vaccination, HPV, which cost a million for each injection. The last is on May. Don’t forget.

Went to Singapore. Finally you got stamps on your passport since the last time you went to Vietnam. Your life was fine huh? Yes. I can tell.

Being a good friend wasn’t easy. You expected something than you felt missing out, you felt left easily. But you can handle it. I’m proud of you.

Being a lover was a similar game. Sometimes you felt taken for granted but your mind fuck every time you rethink in a logical perspective. Still, you weren’t an expert in love.

You try another chance for Ibu, but you know not to set a high expectation since what I’ve planned for Ayah didn’t went well. It’s okay Vina. You’re no God.

Ah I really sorry but I need to sleep. Love yourself, Na. The best is yet to come.



I love my self. Lol.

Ah. You finally have the guts to color your hair to green, it may still in half but maybe you can do it fully. You’re cool!


See ya!