This one gonna be long.
I finally told my Dad. Thank to my sister for spilled it before I arrive home so it was my dad immediately hug and calm me. It hurts and I still can't hold the waterfall in my eyes. After Eyang passed away, I realized that I love hugs. A deep one.
On Monday, I accompanied Dad to pick my niece at school. My childhood kindergarten. I met my teacher, Bu Maria. The one I cried for after she cried at the last day in class in 2000. Back to that day I met her after a long long time, we united in hugs. A deep one. The one I look for. Tears coming out. Not only from mine, hers too. I don't know whether it was me so happy to finally see her again or because my heart was too fragile. She told me that I am her daughter, I already find my path. Path. This was the one word which made the river out of my eyes. I don't even know what path should I choose after your departure.
I was out of words. I don't even say kind words like "please be healthy and happy", "you look good", or thank you". My mind was devastated. I regret it so much and make a promise to myself to send her something on Christmas, or sooner as I feel better to write a letter. I just think that she felt my sadness. A sad girl aura.
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I went back to Bandung to keep myself sane. Daily routine does force me to keep functioning.
It was an afternoon at the office when I received a message from a long lost friend who remove me from instagram. No, this one wasn't a love letter. Otherwise, it was an angry-revenge message. I was trembling when she told me that I used to put a bitterness in her life. Another rollercoaster moment in my life. Neither did I know, I am a villain in somebody's life. So I said sorry for any immature act I did and asked if there's more to make her relieve and release.
In a moment like this, I just thought about karma. Is this the moment when I need to pay anything bad I did? Or is this just a bad bowl I need to eat because my good bowl is running out?
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Talking about Netflix, you sign your account out of all my devices. I was in shock. But maybe it was you holding yourself not be in anything related to me. Or maybe you are just fed up? I guess if you read #3, you'll keep me there just to finish Love Next Door so I can make a review after its finale. So alright, I stopped at episode 7.
I bet you started to binge watching it because you find some similarities. Number one, it must be the job. Being an architect. The struggle to get another projects to keep the business running. Number two, this maybe wrong but we live just next door just like the main character. But the funny thing is I am not the lead actress. I feel like I'm the second lead actress, the ex who felt the desire alone. The spark. Though I was changing my career just like the lead.
I feel sad not to see our account next to each other anymore. But it is what it is. I still crying out of the blue and feel nauseous. My mood isn't fully back. Don't worry, I know this is something I can handle. There are always a hope in my mind but I don't know whether I should think about it or not. I wan't to text your mum just to say hi but I am not ready to hear any rejection. I wish you and your family well.
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My friends told me, at least a month of grieve so I planned this newsletter for four weeks. I don't know whether I should continue or not but I enjoyed writing this. Let's see next week.
P.S. I have some drafts in this blog and I reread them. It was a lovely one and a questioning one.
And this one was in 2017, when I started to questioning.
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