Hello again since I decided to make the fifth edition of this newsletter after three weeks.
A quick recap, I met your mother. Just to make a closure to myself, to prove that I didn't get any rejection (again). I was quite happy since I like your mom. I tried so hard not to cry though words are ready to burst out of my mouth. But after of our convo, I realize that in the end she is your mother. She just trying to protect you at all cost while trying to be kind with me who be the go-to person then. Thank you tante for being nice to me all this time.
I finally told Ibu. Be strong, she said. I don't even know if I'm strong enough. After that moment, I felt brave. I am being open that I am no longer in an over-decade relationship to my family. Even to my office colleague. That way I felt stronger.
I'm no longer crying since I told Ibu and met your mom. I think my sad era was over. I am grateful for that.
Sadly, It's not over yet.
Suddenly a tsunami of memories came to my mind. Both good and bad. Am I deserve to be treated like this? Being left after all this time and efforts? Both questions came with the idea of trying to understand the condition you've been through. Mind fuck. I don't even know if I'm a naive little empathetic saint or just dumb.
And as the cherry on top, I see you. You saw me. We were passing by on Friday. Another anomaly. (Though I'm freezing, busy trying to make sure that it was you in front of me walking while I'm on the motorcycle behind a driver.)
I'm glad to get to see you honestly. Just to know you didn't work overtime that day, not looking so tired like you used to. I think I'm fine. No more cry after seeing you.
Sadly, it's not like everything is fine.
The feeling of not deserved to be love is coming back just like a fast train coming over and over to my mind. I felt nauseous. I realize that I miss you when now you're missing from my life. I felt safe since Nadia is coming to my place yesterday. But when she's going back to Jakarta, I'm back to ugly cry mode.
It's okay. My today's feelings maybe will expire tomorrow. I made it the last two weeks without tears. And these days is my PMS moment. It's okay.
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