Usia Sia-sia

Orang-orang salah menebak umurku itu biasa. Sering kali lebih muda, hampir tidak pernah lebih tua. Biasanya yang menebak aku lebih tua itu malah anak-anak yang waktu aku seumur mereka, usia belasan saja sudah kuanggap dewasa.

Sekarang aku 32 tahun. Seringnya aku diduga masih kuliah. Harusnya aku senang, tanda bintik gelap dan kerut halus di wajahku tak menjustifikasi umurku. Tapi kadang pertanyaan muncul di kepalaku. Bagaimana usia 30an harusnya terlihat?

Aku jarang merias wajah. Karena tidak biasa. Hariku lebih sering terburu-buru di pagi hari demi tidur yang lebih lama. Kata temanku, mungkin karena pilihan pakaianku. Baju-bajuku memang jarang yang berwarna gelap. Tapi agar adil, potongannya standar, kebanyakan polos dengan palet warna tertentu yang aku rasa cocok denganku atau stripes. Kadang aku memakai topi warna terang atau scarf bermotif. Aku rasa harusnya itu tidak membuatku langsung jadi lebih muda. Auraku, kata Nadya. Apakah cara bicara maksudnya? Memang pendiam itu bukan definisi diriku. Tapi ibu-ibu tetangga pun tak ada yang pendiam dan rasanya itu malah mengukuhkan usia yang sesuai dengan mereka.

Yang terlucu, baru saja aku dikira usia 23 saat ikut lokakarya di awal bulan. Sudah kuduga aku pasti peserta dengan usia tertua. Begitupun sudah kuduga mereka pasti tak mengira. Mereka memanggilku dengan lugas. Vina. Sampai akhirnya namaku mendapat tambahan 'Kak' saat terkuak kalau hampir satu dekade selisihnya.

Seringnya aku tertawa (juga sedikit tersipu).

Tapi terkadang perasaan getir mencuat. Ada perasaan fana yang muncul ketika prediksi umurku jauh di bawah. Aku berharap betul itu usiaku sesuai yang disebut. Kenyataannya, aku sudah di lantai tiga yang penuh ekspektasi. Sibuk menahan tekanan gambaran ideal kehidupan. Isu jam tubuh pada wanita yang berkenaan dengan kelajangan masih kadang menghantui. Sepertinya ini ada hubungannya dengan sepuluh tahun yang rasanya sia-sia. Sekalipun berkali-kali menyadari mungkin memang jalan panjang yang ditakdirkan untuk dilalui. I might not be the woman I am today had I not lived the life I chose previously. Pada akhirnya, aku suka diriku yang sekarang. 

Berapapun tebakan usianya.

Aku dapat kejutan

Terakhir aku coba bersih-bersih di korteks serebral karena kamu berhasil lolos dari hipokampus. Hampir satu tahun menyusup di setiap kerutan otak. Sial. Sampai sempat kuperas otakku mencari cara bisa sampai di tempatmu. Walau akhirnya aku sempat kecewa karena termakan imajinasi yang kususun sendiri. Berharap kemampuanku cukup mengesankanmu untuk aku bisa berada di tempat yang jauh. Tapi namanya juga harapan, yang nyata hanya sarapan.

Pagi hari itu aku gelisah. Sejak dua tahun lalu serabut dendrit di badanku jadi mulai terasah. Mereka bergetar ekstra saat intuisiku membuatku resah. Kali itu, aku mau mencoba peruntungan. Walau aku sadar ini semua hanya untuk menenangkan gejolak sel-sel yang ribut di dalam. Aku mengajakmu bertemu.

Tentu... kamu tolak. Dengan halus caramu. Jawaban yang membuat lega. Ekspektasiku bahkan lebih rendah. "Lunas, ya," kataku ke tiap inci reseptor di kulitku "pokoknya sudah kucoba." Kututup obrolan itu. Seperangkat saraf di tubuhku sepakat untuk berdamai, berhenti mengetuk-ngetuk dengan brutal. Dengan ini, aku bisa minum es jeruk peras dengan tenang sehabis membeli judul Kawakami lainnya di toko buku Post.

Tapi mungkin saat itu giliran hatimu yang diketuk-ketuk.

Tiap sel di badanku berpesta. Kejutanmu datang tiba-tiba. Aku suka kejutan. Sampai sekarang aku masih berpikir ketukan macam apa yang bisa membuatmu berubah pikiran. Apakah kamu ingin bertemu juga? Skenario di kepalaku dengan usaha super besar dan detail yang rapi tidak berbuah. Tapi pesan pendek mempertemukan kita lagi. Aneh.

Tawa kecil itu manis sekali. Suara yang pelan, berbisik seolah tidak ingin menarik perhatian. Dunia di sini terlalu ribut. "Overstimulated ya, Kak?" tanyaku yang mengundang tawa usil adikmu. Ingin aku puk-puk tapi tentu kamu tidak butuh tambahan stimulasi. Walau aku juga penasaran kapan terakhir kamu dipeluk dengan hangat. 

Aku kecewa sedikit karena kamu jalan dengan cepat, aku di belakang dengan bawaanku yang berat. Aku mau jadi tuan putri :( 

Kamu yang diam itu penuh kejutan. Mengusik keheningan dengan tanya yang membuatku tersipu. Umpanku kau tangkap dengan hati-hati. Manis.

Aku penasaran besok akan bagaimana. Tapi, jangan buat hanya aku yang terus bergerak ya. Ajak aku masuk perlahan dan tenang daripada harus menerobos.

Bounce

Life is so funny that I finally stepped again to the curiosity of exploring love, relationship, and the feelings of it.

The last time I fall deep, the one that blurred the current and the past. Felt nice since it was too far away to reach so I keep it dearly in my imagination. To recap, it left blissful feeling and set the bar quite high. My favorite season of me being a lover that turned me into 2010s Vina who writes, taking photos, and enjoying niches. Well, It's all in my head until I don't know when I let life unfold. 

Then I started to challenge myself, jumping to a dating pool where humans seemed like a catalog. Screaming loud to be picked. Surface level chats to present likings and what's not. I talked honestly, sometimes polished it a bit to lit a new convo. It was all fun until the exhaustion became solid. The last convo there impressed me. A young man with a cute smile and dimples. The talk was so easy that I finally can dive deeper--breaking what exhaust me. From chat to recorded voices to call, but encounter. He was just so sweet that tickled me and left an awkward feeling because everything felt so fast. To be honest, I love feeling wanted. He did. Until I felt pushed to move on to the first chapter when I were still trying to understand the introduction pages. Maybe our reading comprehension is just different. I don't know you and you don't even know me. I don't know if I was just so stiff or just unused to it after long time of being ignored. "We even have never met," I said. Then things just slide like that, no more 'good morning'. Lol.

At the end, I'm just holding at this belief, love will find the way.

If it existed for me. (wkwk)

See ya!

Telanjang

Semuanya dimulai waktu aku kelas 5 SD. Aku menonton Simple Life, reality show yang menampilkan Paris Hilton dan Nicole Richie bekerja di nudist club. Dari situ aku berandai-andai  bagaimana rasanya benar-benar telanjang di depan orang banyak. Rasa angin yang berhembus di setiap inci kulitmu juga rasa kikuk saat bagian pribadimu tidak lagi terasa eksklusif.

Kemudian aku belajar arsitektur. Mataku dengan mudahnya terpusat pada detail dan ruang. Kamar mandi bukan lagi sebuah ruang basah di kepalaku. Ia bisa menjadi ruang untuk mengeksplorasi isi pikiran atau bahkan tubuhmu. Area air dengan banyak jenisnya; toilet, lavatory, kamar mandi, en suite, dll. Beberapa didesain ukuran kecil bagai memenuhi daftar keharusan, sebagian didesain sangat luas seperti ruang bermain dengan beberapa zonanya. Mulai dari kamar mandi tanpa langit-langit, dinding kaca, bahkan tanpa pembatas apapun.

Apakah sebenarnya ada kerinduan untuk manusia kembali bertelanjang seperti waktu debut awal di dunia ini? Rasa penasaran itu timbul tenggelam. Bagaimana rasanya bertelanjang di tempat umum?

--

Kemudian aku berkesempatan pergi ke Osaka, Jepang. "Onsen!" ajakku pada teman seperjalananku, Z yang berpikiran sama. Pengalaman pertama yang harus dicoba. Di sela-sela agenda yang padat, kami mencoba pergi ke sebuah onsen di Pelabuhan Uno. Sayangnya kami terlambat sepuluh menit menuju waktu tutup sehingga rencana gagal. Tak kenal menyerah, kami agendakan lagi pergi ke onsen saat di Osaka. Waktu itu sudah jam 10 malam. Kami mencari bermodalkan pencarian google. Kami menemukan beberapa yang terdekat. Ada satu yang kami kunjungi namun ternyata khusus pria. Terbuka untuk wanita hanya di hari Rabu, sayangnya itu hari Jumat. Kemudian kami mencari lagi meski jauh dengan jarak satu stasiun kereta bawah tanah. Yang mana saat itu kami menaiki kereta terakhir menuju lokasi sento. Sento, karena bukan onsen yang airnya dari mata air langsung yang tapi berupa pemandian umum.

Akhirnya kami sampai di Sento Tateba (ヘルシー温泉タテバ). Kami disambut loker alas kaki dan sebuah vending machine. Tiket masuk, sewa handuk, dan tiket sauna semuanya seharga ¥1100.

Sambutan ヘルシー温泉タテバ

Sesudah membeli tiket, kami naik ke atas, menukarkan tiket kepada penjaga yang ramah dengan tiga set handuk (kuning kecil untuk wajah atau kepala, oranye besar untuk alas, dan biru besar untuk badan). Setelah itu, kami langsung masuk ke area mandi khusus wanita. Lucu sekali karena aku pikir kami akan masuk ke area loker dahulu sebelum benar-benar memulai pengalaman bertelanjang. Ternyata saat masuk, aku langsung melihat wanita tanpa busana di depan loker. Badan aku langsung refleks kembali ke arah pintu karena kaget. Aku dan Z tertawa karena pengalaman baru ini membuat kaget. Tentu kegiatan ini harus tetap berlanjut. Aku masuk dengan berusaha tenang dan menjaga pandangan mata. Konon, memandang badan orang lain saat di pemandian umum adalah hal tabu (ya iyalah!). 

Janji-janji persiapan

Aku dan Z mulai menanggalkan baju kami. Agak canggung tapi kami sambil menahan tawa satu sama lain membuat perjanjian. 

"Jangan judge stretch mark aku ya, kak" kata Z.

"Jangan judge jerawat punggung aku juga ya hahaha" balasku.

Iya, aku insecure dengan jerawat punggungku. Di antara foto-foto baju backless dan punggung mulus, tentu aku kepikiran dengan bagian belakangku yang susah diraih ini.

Bersih di awal

Setelah yakin menanggalkan semua baju, kami mulai masuk dan mencari tempat kosong untuk mandi. Mandi sambil duduk menghadap kaca. Diam-diam aku memperhatikan sekitar. Semua tampak fokus pada dirinya sendiri. Tentu aku berharap semua fokus pada diri sendiri termasuk diriku. Semenit... dua menit... lima menit... sepuluh menit... rasa badan tanpa seutas benang ini rasanya mulai biasa saja. Ketika berdiri untuk mulai berendam, rasa canggung masih ada tapi... semua orang berlaku seperti tidak ada yang aneh. Tak beda layaknya saat berpakaian lengkap.

Celap-celup

Kami mulai berpetualang dari kolam ke kolam. Dari berendam di kolam hangat dan nyaman, kolam dingin yang membuat kulitku seperti ditusuk ribuan jarum, dan dilanjut perasaan seperti menguap di sauna. Rasanya.... nyaman. Aku rasa kalau dibiarkan, aku mau dua hari sekali ke sauna di tengah deadline yang menghantui. Rasa rileks ingin segera sampai di atas kasur dan terlelap.

Yang mandi lainnya

Sudah hampir pukul 12 malam. Lucunya, bukan semakin sepi, sento semakin ramai. Rasanya memang mandi di sento agar badan benar-benar bersih dan tidur nyenyak. Tidak hanya para gadis yang tampak seru tertawa (duh! rasanya mau ikut bergabung di keseruannya. Ingin tahu kalau gadis-gadis Jepang biasanya ngobrolin apa hahaha), juga ada juga sepasang ibu anak yang berbahasa korea. Aku jadi terpikir, kapan terakhir kali aku mandi bersama ibu? Rasanya terakhir SMA, atau kuliah? Pernah juga bersama kakak perempuan dan sepupuku. Biasanya, sering terjadi kalau sedang terburu-buru dan posisi kamar mandi terbatas. Mandi bersama walau bukan dengan orang dikenal bukan hal tabu untukku. Tapi aku juga tidak punya memori bersama ayah. Mungkin aneh? Tapi aku teringat film My Neighbor Totoro (となりのトトロ), dimana suatu malam Satsuki dan Mei berendam di bak kayu khas Jepang bersama ayah mereka. Karena ini film anak, adegan itu rasanya sungguh kasual. Just another ordinary thing. Apakah realita di sana memang seperti itu? Tapi kalau tidak, pasti adegan itu tidak ada juga atau minimal memicu protes penonton. Yang jelas, aku rasa perbedaan kemaluan jadi hal biasa bagi anak-anak. Begitupun di buku Totto-chan: Gadis Cilik di Jendela (窓ぎわのトットちゃん), di bagian mata pelajaran renang di Tomoe Gakuen. Semua anak wajib untuk tidak menggunakan pakaian apapun termasuk pakaian renang. Bagi yang tidak berkenan, dipersilakan untuk tidak ikut kelas renang. Membacanya, muncul sedikit rasa kaget tapi juga senyum. Di masa-masa yang polos, perbedaan itu akan menjadi pelajaran. Untuk melihat hal yang berbeda menjadi biasa saja. Tapi ah, lagi-lagi latar cerita-cerita itu bahkan pada saat PD II. Kekhawatirannya pasti berbeda dengan sekarang di era digital yang liar. Kadang, aku rindu dengan kepolosan dan kelambatan pada masanya. Ketika terasa lebih plain dan genuine.

Liberte!

Kami selesai pukul 1 malam dan kembali ke penginapan. Saat jalan pulang, kami mampir sebentar di sebuah taman dan main ayunan. Waktu itu rasanya manis, tenang, dan nyaman sekali.

--

Pada akhirnya, aku sudah tidak (terlalu) penasaran lagi. Aku merasa ada sesuatu kebebasan yang menggelitik ketika harus bertelanjang di depan orang lain. Eksplorasi perasaan memiliki pada tubuh sendiri. Satu hal yang pasti, akan aku ulang pengalaman ini di setting yang lebih terbuka dan cultured, onsen!

またね!

I want to treat heartbreak just like when the butterflies held a dancing party on my stomach. Funny feelings that I celebrate. When I can turn love to something, why not heartbreak? In a way, this feels like a commodity. A belief that I have to produce no matter how I feel. But, what if I rephrase this into 'a process of me to let the feelings go'? Because feelings flow. And it needs outlet. To express, they say. Still it feels like commodified?

Why?

Yang Aku Rekam

Tahun 2023 aku melewatkan aktivitas mengoleksi memori. Padahal banyak yang terjadi. Yang sebenarnya paling mantap, tentu karena akhirnya aku solo travelling lagi dan lebih-lebih ke tempat yang jauh untuk ikut lokakarya seni. Travel dan seni, sebuah kombo favorit dalam hidupku. Waktu itu spesial sekali. Belum lagi bonus-bonus pergi jauh selanjutnya dari YME. Dari awalnya ke Austria dan Slovakia, lanjut ke Hongkong, Vietnam, Kamboja, Malaysia, dan tentu surprise terakhir ke Jepang. Aku terbahak, oh ini rasanya jadi manusia bougee hahaha!

Dokumentasi 2025 cukup banyak. Kali ini aku mencoba peruntungan lagi. Hari Jumat lalu dan baru saja tadi sore, ternyata aku dapat penolakan. Penolakan hari Jumat tidak sesedih hari ini. Mungkin karena baru satu kegagalan dari tiga percobaan. Sekarang sisa satu lagi, rasa sedihnya bercampur ketegangan. Aku rakus. Aku berdoa malam minta tiga-tiganya masuk. Biar satu tahun back to back isinya residensi. Ingat dulu tanteku menggumam waktu dengar rencanaku daftar residensi. "Belajar terus kapan kerjanya?" Tapi dipikir-pikir, I chose to adapt. Adapt by learning. Dan aku suka.

Mimpinya sekarang, aku mau tinggal di luar Indonesia. Tentu di negara yang maju karena lotre kehidupanku dapatnya lahir di negara berkembang ini. Jadi daripada kunjungan sementara seminggu dua minggu seperti sebelumnya, aku ingin yang lebih lama. Cukup lama sampai aku memilih dengan mantap untuk menaruh jangkar. Artist visa, doaku sekarang.

-

Aku sekarang di kamar di Bandung. Sendiri. Waktu kecil tentu aku tidak terpikir akan tinggal sendirian cukup lama. Tiga tahun. Tidak ada sanak saudara terdekat yang jaraknya bisa ditempuh setidaknya setengah jam perjalanan. Jadi kalau aku sakit, aku mengeluh lewat telepon saja. Biar kata-kata dari yang terkasih setidaknya meringankan sedikit rasa lemas.

Perasaan sendirian mulai sering hinggap. Apalagi teman-teman mulai mengepakkan sayapnya. Meninggalkan dahan mulai yang bergoyang ini. Aku tunggu apa? Ada momentum datang tapi kupilih angan akan momentum selanjutnya. Modal percaya, kataku. Apakah perasaan akrab dengan kesendirian dan kesepian bisa menjadi modal bertahan di fase selanjutnya? Semoga!

Akal-akalan Anak Kedua

Tadi malam adikku yang spesial itu menelepon. Jarang-jarang. Karena aku sendiri suka takut menerima telepon dari si bungsu itu karena seringnya berisi keluh kesah yang bikin aku kepikiran sampai seminggu. Memang spesial dia. Spesial bikin aku suka mendadak gelisah.

Dia cerita banyak hal. Untungnya bukan marah-marah. Life update. Walau hidup tidak selalu mulus, seringnya bikin terkocok-kocok, lebih menyenangkan ketika emosinya diparkir dulu kemudian cerita objektif yang terjadi saja kadang cukup walau tanpa bumbu. Setidaknya tidak bikin aku mual. Lagi-lagi, si kakak ini kepikiran, sayangku.

Bahasa kami tidak selalu sama. Ada masa-masa aku bingung menanggapi apa yang dimuntahkan dia dari kepalanya. Atau hatinya. Alur pikir kami sering tak sejalan. Aku dan kakakku lebih sering satu suara. Pisces dan Aquarius yang tumbuh di fase yang kurang lebih sama. Yang terakhir ini memang Aries, natur meledak dan lagi fase kehidupan kami mulai berubah di saat usianya krusial. Aku sering berpikir, apakah ini ego khas lelaki bungsu?

Kali ini bahasa kami seperti terkalibrasi. Ternyata, dia sedang belajar. Benar belajar karena dia sedang ikut kelas. Hal yang aku tunggu-tunggu dari lama. Karena aku suka belajar hal baru, tapi kenapa dia tidak? Aku senang dengan aroma rasa percaya dirinya yang bangkit. Dia juga cerita tentang masa sedihnya yang bikin aku mengikik. Mengikik karena been there done that, putus hihihi. Dia cerita, pulang tengah malam sehabis putus dan mengadu ke temannya, kemudian pulang disambut ayah dan ibu pukul tiga pagi. Tepukan punggung dari ibu ternyata makin membuat air matanya deras berjatuhan. Memori yang mirip terputar ulang. Aku pulang dengan kalut dari Bandung, kemudian langsung dipeluk ayah yang sudah diberikan kisi-kisi dari kakak. Sehabis puas menangis, lanjut ke McDonalds untuk asupan gula. Dan distraksi tentunya. Khas ayah sekali.

Dari semua kegilaan yang sering terjadi, ternyata tiga bocah ini sangat beruntung punya orang tua yang hadir di saat-saat kami jatuh di kesedihan. Yang mendengarkan saat kami dengan leluasa bercerita apa yang terjadi maupun saat meminta restu.

Telepon berlanjut terus. Cerita pula dia tentang rencana masa depannya. Tentang kami bertiga yang berbagi tugas memutar roda rumah. Aku senang dia punya harapan lagi. Dia bilang, dia tau akal-akalanku. Akal-akalan anak kedua yang mengalihkan perhatian berupa kehadiran menjadi pemasok kebutuhan yang selalu siap sedia dari jauh. Katanya dia juga mau. Hehe. Aku mengelak saat dia menyuruhku pulang. "Rumah penuh, ih". Jawabanku tidak menghasilkan perlawanan. Rumah memang rasanya mengecil. Terakhir kurasa rumah luas sekali saat 3 SD. Belum lagi, ada si bocah cilik rambut ikal yang sekarang menjadi pusat perhatian dengan tingkah lucunya.

-

Sekarang, aku tenang dan senang.

On Earth, As It is in Heaven.

The idea of what my future would be like is always in my mind. It's not always the grande one. I love chips and snack when I was a kid. Just like regular kid, my mom gave me a limit to taste the superficial. So I imagine myself in an older version to open a cabinet full of snacks and freely pick it up to my likings.

And... It happened. Years later I move to Jogja for college and live with my aunt who stores all the snacks in a cabinet. My favorite cabinet. She would allow me to grab any snacks I want when it was grocery day. Not the exact visual and detail but the idea stay the same. Me and the cabinet of snacks.

Then I moved to Bandung. Here I am living on my own and store any snacks I want. I store it on an open shelf just right above my study desk. I am fully responsible for the relationship of myself and the snacks.

-

Then I reflect and trying to remember what kind of ideal life I want to live. The flexible one that I don't need to stay in one place. I could travel whenever I can. I could take a public transport to move from one place to another where I can fully wandering in my own thought during the trip. I could stop by on a lush park. I could decorate my own place. I enjoyed my work. I could create and channel my energy. And the most, I have friends who can I talk to and laugh with. Also all the communities and events which nourish me.

These days, I can barely say that I am living in my dream now.

-

And now I continue my dream about the similar thing in different place where things is colder but warmer to rely on.

Jauh Tapi Dekat

I found a new urge.

I want to explore the world. I want to staying longer outside this zone. I already had the chance to see the snippets and it push me to go further.

Maybe things won't be as easy as it seems but I am curious to experience it myself. Something to pursue. 

-----

Aku sedang engap-engap baca files daftar fellowship. Tapi kan bukan berarti tidak bisa yeah.

Variety of Something that Moved Us

I once read a blog. The writer said that loneliness is the fuel to create art. At least that is what Da Vinci did, he said. Da Vinci kept himself in loneliness. Nurturing the lonely feeling and decided to marry to no one. 

I wonder if what he posted down on the blog was the fragments of his thoughts. Is he enjoying loneliness? Does loneliness speak loudly to him? And the biggest question since he was referring to Da Vinci, does he take loneliness as a fuel to his creations?

— because it’s funny. I am a total opposite.

Remember the time when I visited Leopold Museum in Vienna. The exhibition was about Vienna Secession and the pioneers who were mostly artists-painter. I read all the descriptions and the stories of their life carefully. Their soap opera-like slice of life. It was very interesting to know. At least, four of them were having an affair with married women. Or if it wasn’t intriguing enough, the woman they were having affair with was the wife of their patron. Moreover, they didn’t do it quietly nor sneakily. They expressed their forbidden (I mean, if monogamy is still in the room back then) love by publicly made their lover as their muse for their paintings. Those paintings with different kinds of strokes. A desired brush strokes.

A desire. Lust that moved them. A combination of adrenaline and libido that rushing to turn into something beautiful. A feeling that you can’t hold but to express it. I almost made a new theory that to be a renowned artist, one should be scandalous enough to let the creative juices streams to your hands and made art. But no, thank you. Modern life is tricky enough for me already to add a scandalous story.

Well, something interesting I found is, instead of lust, I am moved by love. The feeling you feel when you are falling in love. The energy that comes when you’re attracted to someone until you make them as an object. An object you adore which grows your curiosity to digging deeper. It brings you an imagination (though i have to be careful enough until it turns to delusion) that unlock your potential. Sometimes it even uncovers the other side of you. A new brush strokes that you don’t even know that you have. It leads to an urge to channel your energy into something you can show to the world.

“Here, ladies and gentlemen, I am falling in love and the world needs to know.”

—

I wonder if what moved us was a contradiction. A dichotomy of one and two. To be fair, I enjoy being alone (although I broke this statement right after I got fever, alone in my room last week). I cherish every moment I explore things on my own company. Even this writing came up out of loneliness. Because I’m no longer sure if I’m still falling in love with someone. But all I know, I fall in love with myself. With the solitude that makes my brain works harder and with all the serendipity that coming along the way. So, are we somewhat have the similar force?

Merawat

Aku suka rasa suka yang mengalir deras. Menggebu dan bergemuruh. Seperti kembang api yang meletup di langit gelap. Dadaku berdegup kencang, otot-otot halus terus menegang menarik ujung-ujung bibirku. Dibanding rasa sepi, aku lebih suka rasa ini. Suatu waktu tertambat kepada yang kuat, lain waktu berkembang pada yang tenang.

Aku suka endorfin. Sampai-sampai sel-sel kewalahan menuju titik batas produksi.

Hari ini aku tenang.

17 Agu 2025

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Aku menangis karena ingat momen bahagia. Lucu. Pertama kali. Mau lagi kalau boleh.

2 Sep 2025

The Idea of You

What's linger on you? Is it an objective judgment of mine or just a beautiful idea of a persona in my head that I stick directly to you?

Did I turn the projector on and the lights blurred your lines? Is this you being objectified? Or should I move below the east sun longer to see your meticulous sculpt that makes you... you? Are you a printed repro or a graphite directly etched on the wall?

I enjoyed blurry Monet as I enjoy the sharp intimacy of Klimt's. You maybe see both have the same thread. Love. The calm one and the burning one. Can I choose both at once? Though I’d love to choose the calm one for now.

New Chapter

I just got back from Japan.

Life unfolds unexpectedly. I am afraid that life recklessly poured the lucky sprinkles on top of my head. I only had less than a month to prepare (what to prepare though except the excitement?). Long story short, this trip was the extension of me being one of the employees of the year. The decision made in a blink of an eye. I use my flight miles to cover half of the flight expenses and all done.

I actually planned to do a solo travel next year instead since I can't even see the forecast of my life until the end of this year. But when the chance is showing its nose, I pinch it. No doubt.

What happened in Osaka was more interesting. I joined an architectural trip and went to Osaka Expo. Japan itself is so interesting that I believe their charm steal people's heart. Mine included.

Hereby, I want to write a special milestone about me getting to know myself more. Last time I wrote about the type that I like from a man (or human I can say) was the muscular one. I guess this can't be wrong but not a total correct of me. I found that more than appearance, those humans with passion attracted me the most. The one who consistently doing what sparks their heart. Who embrace and appreciate small beautiful things like those whimsy flowers. Who digging more than what is served and slowing down in between.

May we find each other again in a beautiful state. In a new chapter.

See ya!

P.S. I finally got to experience a walk (or let's call it a date nevertheless) after almost a year. Not to mention that my playful act could attract someone to make a move. It was fun after all lol.

Juno

Back to this blog since I am now literally in a different state of mind.

The last lemons I got makes me learn and noticing my body thoroughly. Especially about the sensation that coming up everytime I feel a particular emotion. Like nausea in my throat every time I'm sad and crying deeply. Not to mention, I can now predict my emotions based on my period cycle. Whenever I feel like to munch everything in front of me or just starting to feel like alpha and flirty.

These days, I've been looking for smitten feelings since I release my bad emotions. I enjoy the butterflies on my tummy. It's bringing back my sophomore or even my puberty era energy. Surprisingly I can maintain the feelings to make it borderline. Exciting for life but rational enough not to put too much hope on my wishing basket. Sabrina Carpenter's explicit songs are starting to replace my Taylor Swift playlist. Juno is playing on repeat with its catchy romcom intro and horny lyrics combined. I can't not laugh with the idea of me feeling like liking someone again. Not that fall fall but attracted. Even I add a box more to tick on my type, fit (include a quite muscular one). LOL

Yep, I do work out much. It helps me to clear my mind pluuuus I love my body more. My tiny muscles are starting to appear here and there and I am so excited of that. Yippie! (Um, did I mention about those muscular gym crushes at the gym? 👀)

On a side note, talking about a bigger picture of this phase, I think to letting go is the one of the points I need to learn. Started from Eyang who left for eternity, the one who I should let go since the early days, and lastly Nadya who was being my pillar on this phase to spread her wings to Bali. So, I surrender and I have learnt my lesson.

Well, life's good so far. I enjoys the days I spend with friends and communities here in Bandung. I feel loved and seen. The highlight is now I need to reevaluate my habit to make everything in balance especially for Geekgo works. The art bugs begin to show and I don't want to miss it.

See ya!

February Takeaway

February has always been a favorite month of mine since it's my birthday month.

This year, it feels liberating. I thank God to make this year extra by putting that day became the office gathering day, especially the award I got at that occasion. It's like the cherry on top of all the blessings that day.

I really feel extremely loved and celebrated.

I dimmed my light unconsciously after all the gaslights I face. I was questioning myself a lot at the lowest point of my life. Do I deserve to be loved? Will I be okay being single after all those years? Will I be feeling lonely? and other questions that fed my insecurities. I am grateful that I'm surrounded by loving and caring people. From family, high school buddies, college pals, office mates (even the last and current), fellow artists, and friends. My heart is full and I believe everything will come in a full circle, filled with love, hope, and joy. At the end, I am no longer asking if I'm deserved to be loved, I am loved already. Immense love.

P.S. I tried CrossFit and it reveals the other side of me??? It's fun I can say. Can't believe I've committed to 6-months gym subscription and have just sign up for 8 more months 😂 Bravo, Vina! You've just unlocked your wish to join a new community 👍🏻

Wake Up Call

I made it to a therapist.

I couldn't hold my anger so I immediately book one last week. My life was in peace until the truth crushed me down. It costed me my hardly earned tranquility. But everything seemed fall accordingly. The timing, the place, the budget, and the phase, you name it.

I skipped my anger, being aware that hatred is a soul consumer. So I let it go. Furious isn't my favorite feeling. But it was all me, I guess The Good God let me to experience all of this otherwise. I remember the moment I get to know the fact, I was at home, surrounded by my family, my safe place. Can't imagine if It happened when I was alone in Bandung. Then I impulsively decided to book a session with a psychologist, with no budget on my plate. But that day I got some dimes to my bank account just in an enough amount for a 2-hours therapy session. Coincidentally.

The session itself was nice, little cry but more laugh. I laugh for everything that has happened and the fear I face. Overall, It was warm and humbling, getting to know myself even more and helped me to elaborate the emotions within.

Several days after, I still burned over everything. Questioning and trying to understand. But these days I surrender. I prepare my self just to get ready. For everything. To patiently believe in myself. So don't worry, reap what you sow. I poured love. So much love I could give.

P.S. I always talked about a home and a house with a washing machine and refrigerator and why is it so hard to accomplish. In a breathing session, I came to a question. Is it really just all I want? Because it was only a bare minimum. Was my mind blocked to aim higher after years?

Shit happened

Never have I imagined in my life that I'll be involved in a such drama. A betrayal one. The worst one.

After five month of a quiet heartbreak (which still defend you here and there. I know I know it's stupid), finally the rage slipped in. The step that I don't think I need. You make a fool of me. For the things I confronted many times. Finally, I come to the decision to start to see you that low. Congrats, I guess? Because you know hate is a big word for me.

Your decision is disappointing me. Instead of working on yourself, you jump to start over with the old person. The one I know will still get flashed over your high explanations without knowing what's within. I would appreciate better if it was a new fresh start. Something that you haven't done for so long.

I thought we were a match since I guess we are in the same base. But no. You can't bear with me standing equally with you. You want somebody who adore you so much on the surface. Good luck if it was always be your dream.

P.S. I really can't wait for the moment to punch you in the face. I really mean it. I've been spending hours in the gym.

Heartbreak Newsletter #5

Hello again since I decided to make the fifth edition of this newsletter after three weeks.

A quick recap, I met your mother. Just to make a closure to myself, to prove that I didn't get any rejection (again). I was quite happy since I like your mom. I tried so hard not to cry though words are ready to burst out of my mouth. But after of our convo, I realize that in the end she is your mother. She just trying to protect you at all cost while trying to be kind with me who be the go-to person then. Thank you tante for being nice to me all this time.

I finally told Ibu. Be strong, she said. I don't even know if I'm strong enough. After that moment, I felt brave. I am being open that I am no longer in an over-decade relationship to my family. Even to my office colleague. That way I felt stronger.

I'm no longer crying since I told Ibu and met your mom. I think my sad era was over. I am grateful for that.

Sadly, It's not over yet. 

Suddenly a tsunami of memories came to my mind. Both good and bad. Do I deserve to be treated like this? Being left after all this time and efforts? Both questions came with the idea of trying to understand the condition you've been through. Mind fuck. I don't even know if I'm a naive little empathetic saint or just dumb.

And as the cherry on top, I see you. You saw me. We were passing by on Friday. Another anomaly. (Though I'm freezing, busy trying to make sure that it was you in front of me walking while I'm on the motorcycle behind a driver.)

I'm glad to get to see you honestly. Just to know you didn't work overtime that day, not looking so tired like you used to. I think I'm fine. No more cry after seeing you.

Sadly, it's not like everything is fine. 

The feeling of not deserved to be love is coming back just like a fast train coming over and over to my mind. I felt nauseous. I realize that I miss you when now you're missing from my life. I felt safe since Nadia is coming to my place yesterday. But when she's going back to Jakarta, I'm back to ugly cry mode.

It's okay. My today's feelings maybe will expire tomorrow. I made it the last two weeks without tears. And these days is my PMS moment. It's okay.

Heartbreak Newsletter #4

 This one gonna be long.

I finally told my Dad. Thank to my sister for spilled it before I arrive home so it was my dad immediately hug and calm me. It hurts and I still can't hold the waterfall in my eyes. After Eyang passed away, I realized that I love hugs. A deep one.

On Monday, I accompanied Dad to pick my niece at school. My childhood kindergarten. I met my teacher, Bu Maria. The one I cried for after she cried at the last day in class in 2000. Back to that day I met her after a long long time, we united in a hug. A deep one. The one I look for. Tears coming out. Not only from mine, hers too. I don't know whether it was me so happy to finally see her again or because my heart was too fragile. She told me that I am her daughter, I already find my path. Path. This was the one word which made the river out of my eyes. I don't even know what path should I choose after your departure.

I was out of words. I don't even say kind words like "please be healthy and happy", "you look good", or thank you". My mind was devastated. I regret it so much and make a promise to myself to send her something on Christmas, or sooner as I feel better to write a letter. I just think that she felt my sadness. A sad girl aura.

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I went back to Bandung to keep myself sane. Daily routine does force me to keep functioning.

It was an afternoon at the office when I received a message from a long lost friend who remove me from instagram. No, this one wasn't a love letter. Otherwise, it was an angry-revenge message. I was trembling when she told me that I used to put a bitterness in her life. Another rollercoaster moment in my life. Neither did I know, I am a villain in somebody's life. So I said sorry for any immature act I did and asked if there's more to make her relieve and release.

In a moment like this, I just thought about karma. Is this the moment when I need to pay anything bad I did? Or is this just a bad bowl I need to eat because my good bowl is running out?

-

Talking about Netflix, you sign your account out of all my devices. I was in shock. But maybe it was you holding yourself not be in anything related to me. Or maybe you are just fed up? I guess if you read #3, you'll keep me there just to finish Love Next Door so I can make a review after its finale. So alright, I stopped at episode 7.

I bet you started to binge watching it because you find some similarities. Number one, it must be the job. Being an architect. The struggle to get another projects to keep the business running. Number two, this maybe wrong but we live just next door just like the main character. But the funny thing is I am not the lead actress. I feel like I'm the second lead actress, the ex who felt the desire alone. The spark. Though I was changing my career just like the lead.

I feel sad not to see our account next to each other anymore. But it is what it is. I still crying out of the blue and feel nauseous. My mood isn't fully back. Don't worry, I know this is something I can handle. There are always a hope in my mind but I don't know whether I should think about it or not. I wan't to text your mum just to say hi but I am not ready to hear any rejection. I wish you and your family well.

-

My friends told me, at least a month of grieve so I planned this newsletter for four weeks. I don't know whether I should continue or not but I enjoyed writing this. Let's see next week.

P.S. I have some drafts in this blog and I reread them. It was a lovely one and a questioning one.

This one was ten years ago, 2014. When we started it all.

I bet this is why it feels really hurts, I found you like I discover my treasure.

And this one was in 2017, when I started to questioning.

Maybe this was a hint for a need to reconcile that time.

P.P.S. I am going to subscribe Netflix on my own.

Heartbreak Newsletter #3

False Rage

I thought about being mad. I considered myself as stable enough to let anger slip into my mind. Betrayed my first believe of being separated with you, that it was all about us reworking ourselves.

I thought about confrontation. Proving my ability to connecting the dots. Forced you to meet on Tuesday though you beg me not to. In the end, you did your best to break all my accusation. Though you are not a saint, I know you are trying. Just like you.

I thought about love. What is love with no romance? The losing spark. I always feel the spark even I know you don't. The feeling that I deny and fight for. But it takes two to tango. I can't dance alone in this sonata.

I thought about things I want to pursue. I could freely flap my wings because I knew I always have a nest called 'you'. Home is not always nice, sometimes it feels bad and weird even there were days I can't imagine it better. But the familiar feeling of stayed together calms me. Now I feel like in an autopilot mode. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.

I thought that I restarted the broken feeling. Broke it to smaller pieces to rearrange. It really hurts to remember us under the umbrella below the dark wet sky.

At the end, the surreal feeling of us feels absolute. Thought I literally burn the bridge by forcing you. The most hated thing of you but the least I can do to just reach you. Just like when we used to be.

P.S. I continue to watch Netflix. I found an on going series that match. Maybe until we finish the last episode?