The Idea of You

What's linger on you? Is it an objective judgment of mine or just a beautiful idea of a persona in my head that I stick directly to you?

Did I turn the projector on and the lights blurred your lines? Is this you being objectified? Or should I move below the east sun longer to see your meticulous sculpt that makes you... you? Are you a printed repro or a graphite directly etched on the wall?

I enjoyed blurry Monet as I enjoy the sharp intimacy of Klimt's. You maybe see both have the same thread. Love. The calm one and the burning one. Can I choose both at once? Though I’d love to choose the calm one for now.

New Chapter

I just got back from Japan.

Life unfolds unexpectedly. I am afraid that life recklessly poured the lucky sprinkles on top of my head. I only had less than a month to prepare (what to prepare though except the excitement?). Long story short, this trip was the extension of me being one of the employees of the year. The decision made in a blink of an eye. I use my flight miles to cover half of the flight expenses and all done.

I actually planned to do a solo travel next year instead since I can't even see the forecast of my life until the end of this year. But when the chance is showing its nose, I pinch it. No doubt.

What happened in Osaka was more interesting. I joined an architectural trip and went to Osaka Expo. Japan itself is so interesting that I believe their charm steal people's heart. Mine included.

Hereby, I want to write a special milestone about me getting to know myself more. Last time I wrote about the type that I like from a man (or human I can say) was the muscular one. I guess this can't be wrong but not a total correct of me. I found that more than appearance, those humans with passion attracted me the most. The one who consistently doing what's sparks their heart. Who embrace and appreciate small beautiful things like those whimsy flowers. Who digging more than what is served and slowing down in between.

May we find each other again in a beautiful state. In a new chapter.

See ya!

P.S. I finally got to experience a walk (or let's call it a date nevertheless) after almost a year. Not to mention that my playful act could attract someone to make a move. It was fun after all lol.

Juno

Back to this blog since I am now literally in a different state of mind.

The last lemons I got makes me learn and noticing my body thoroughly. Especially about the sensation that coming up everytime I feel a particular emotion. Like nausea in my throat every time I'm sad and crying deeply. Not to mention, I can now predict my emotions based on my period cycle. Whenever I feel like to munch everything in front of me or just starting to feel like alpha and flirty.

These days, I've been looking for smitten feelings since I release my bad emotions. I enjoy the butterflies on my tummy. It's bringing back my sophomore or even my puberty era energy. Surprisingly I can maintain the feelings to make it borderline. Exciting for life but rational enough not to put too much hope on my wishing basket. Sabrina Carpenter's explicit songs are starting to replace my Taylor Swift playlist. Juno is playing on repeat with its catchy romcom intro and horny lyrics combined. I can't not laugh with the idea of me feeling like liking someone again. Not that fall fall but attracted. Even I add a box more to tick on my type, fit (include a quite muscular one). LOL

Yep, I do work out much. It helps me to clear my mind pluuuus I love my body more. My tiny muscles are starting to appear here and there and I am so excited of that. Yippie! (Um, did I mention about those muscular gym crushes at the gym? 👀)

On a side note, talking about a bigger picture of this phase, I think to letting go is the one of the points I need to learn. Started from Eyang who left for eternity, the one who I should let go since the early days, and lastly Nadya who was being my pillar on this phase to spread her wings to Bali. So, I surrender and I have learnt my lesson.

Well, life's good so far. I enjoys the days I spend with friends and communities here in Bandung. I feel loved and seen. The highlight is now I need to reevaluate my habit to make everything in balance especially for Geekgo works. The art bugs begin to show and I don't want to miss it.

See ya!

February Takeaway

February has always been a favorite month of mine since it's my birthday month.

This year, it feels liberating. I thank God to make this year extra by putting that day became the office gathering day, especially the award I got at that occasion. It's like the cherry on top of all the blessings that day.

I really feel extremely loved and celebrated.

I dimmed my light unconsciously after all the gaslights I face. I was questioning myself a lot at the lowest point of my life. Do I deserve to be loved? Will I be okay being single after all those years? Will I be feeling lonely? and other questions that fed my insecurities. I am grateful that I'm surrounded by loving and caring people. From family, high school buddies, college pals, office mates (even the last and current), fellow artists, and friends. My heart is full and I believe everything will come in a full circle, filled with love, hope, and joy. At the end, I am no longer asking if I'm deserved to be loved, I am loved already. Immense love.

P.S. I tried CrossFit and it reveals the other side of me??? It's fun I can say. Can't believe I've committed to 6-months gym subscription and have just sign up for 8 more months 😂 Bravo, Vina! You've just unlocked your wish to join a new community 👍🏻

Wake Up Call

I made it to a therapist.

I couldn't hold my anger so I immediately book one last week. My life was in peace until the truth crushed me down. It costed me my hardly earned tranquility. But everything seemed fall accordingly. The timing, the place, the budget, and the phase, you name it.

I skipped my anger, being aware that hatred is a soul consumer. So I let it go. Furious isn't my favorite feeling. But it was all me, I guess The Good God let me to experience all of this otherwise. I remember the moment I get to know the fact, I was at home, surrounded by my family, my safe place. Can't imagine if It happened when I was alone in Bandung. Then I impulsively decided to book a session with a psychologist, with no budget on my plate. But that day I got some dimes to my bank account just in an enough amount for a 2-hours therapy session. Coincidentally.

The session itself was nice, little cry but more laugh. I laugh for everything that has happened and the fear I face. Overall, It was warm and humbling, getting to know myself even more and helped me to elaborate the emotions within.

Several days after, I still burned over everything. Questioning and trying to understand. But these days I surrender. I prepare my self just to get ready. For everything. To patiently believe in myself. So don't worry, reap what you sow. I poured love. So much love I could give.

P.S. I always talked about a home and a house with a washing machine and refrigerator and why is it so hard to accomplish. In a breathing session, I came to a question. Is it really just all I want? Because it was only a bare minimum. Was my mind blocked to aim higher after years?

Shit happened

Never have I imagined in my life that I'll be involved in a such drama. A betrayal one. The worst one.

After five month of a quiet heartbreak (which still defend you here and there. I know I know it's stupid), finally the rage slipped in. The step that I don't think I need. You make a fool of me. For the things I confronted many times. Finally, I come to the decision to start to see you that low. Congrats, I guess? Because you know hate is a big word for me.

Your decision is disappointing me. Instead of working on yourself, you jump to start over with the old person. The one I know will still get flashed over your high explanations without knowing what's within. I would appreciate better if it was a new fresh start. Something that you haven't done for so long.

I thought we were a match since I guess we are in the same base. But no. You can't bear with me standing equally with you. You want somebody who adore you so much on the surface. Good luck if it was always be your dream.

P.S. I really can't wait for the moment to punch you in the face. I really mean it. I've been spending hours in the gym.

Heartbreak Newsletter #5

Hello again since I decided to make the fifth edition of this newsletter after three weeks.

A quick recap, I met your mother. Just to make a closure to myself, to prove that I didn't get any rejection (again). I was quite happy since I like your mom. I tried so hard not to cry though words are ready to burst out of my mouth. But after of our convo, I realize that in the end she is your mother. She just trying to protect you at all cost while trying to be kind with me who be the go-to person then. Thank you tante for being nice to me all this time.

I finally told Ibu. Be strong, she said. I don't even know if I'm strong enough. After that moment, I felt brave. I am being open that I am no longer in an over-decade relationship to my family. Even to my office colleague. That way I felt stronger.

I'm no longer crying since I told Ibu and met your mom. I think my sad era was over. I am grateful for that.

Sadly, It's not over yet. 

Suddenly a tsunami of memories came to my mind. Both good and bad. Do I deserve to be treated like this? Being left after all this time and efforts? Both questions came with the idea of trying to understand the condition you've been through. Mind fuck. I don't even know if I'm a naive little empathetic saint or just dumb.

And as the cherry on top, I see you. You saw me. We were passing by on Friday. Another anomaly. (Though I'm freezing, busy trying to make sure that it was you in front of me walking while I'm on the motorcycle behind a driver.)

I'm glad to get to see you honestly. Just to know you didn't work overtime that day, not looking so tired like you used to. I think I'm fine. No more cry after seeing you.

Sadly, it's not like everything is fine. 

The feeling of not deserved to be love is coming back just like a fast train coming over and over to my mind. I felt nauseous. I realize that I miss you when now you're missing from my life. I felt safe since Nadia is coming to my place yesterday. But when she's going back to Jakarta, I'm back to ugly cry mode.

It's okay. My today's feelings maybe will expire tomorrow. I made it the last two weeks without tears. And these days is my PMS moment. It's okay.