Yang Aku Rekam

Tahun 2023 aku melewatkan aktivitas mengoleksi memori. Padahal banyak yang terjadi. Yang sebenarnya paling mantap, tentu karena akhirnya aku solo travelling lagi dan lebih-lebih ke tempat yang jauh untuk ikut lokakarya seni. Travel dan seni, sebuah kombo favorit dalam hidupku. Waktu itu spesial sekali. Belum lagi bonus-bonus pergi jauh selanjutnya dari YME. Dari awalnya ke Austria dan Slovakia, lanjut ke Hongkong, Vietnam, Kamboja, Malaysia, dan tentu surprise terakhir ke Jepang. Aku terbahak, oh ini rasanya jadi manusia bougee hahaha!

Dokumentasi 2025 cukup banyak. Kali ini aku mencoba peruntungan lagi. Hari Jumat lalu dan baru saja tadi sore, ternyata aku dapat penolakan. Penolakan hari Jumat tidak sesedih hari ini. Mungkin karena baru satu kegagalan dari tiga percobaan. Sekarang sisa satu lagi, rasa sedihnya bercampur ketegangan. Aku rakus. Aku berdoa malam minta tiga-tiganya masuk. Biar satu tahun back to back isinya residensi. Ingat dulu tanteku menggumam waktu dengar rencanaku daftar residensi. "Belajar terus kapan kerjanya?" Tapi dipikir-pikir, I chose to adapt. Adapt by learning. Dan aku suka.

Mimpinya sekarang, aku mau tinggal di luar Indonesia. Tentu di negara yang maju karena lotre kehidupanku dapatnya lahir di negara berkembang ini. Jadi daripada kunjungan sementara seminggu dua minggu seperti sebelumnya, aku ingin yang lebih lama. Cukup lama sampai aku memilih dengan mantap untuk menaruh jangkar. Artist visa, doaku sekarang.

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Aku sekarang di kamar di Bandung. Sendiri. Waktu kecil tentu aku tidak terpikir akan tinggal sendirian cukup lama. Tiga tahun. Tidak ada sanak saudara terdekat yang jaraknya bisa ditempuh setidaknya setengah jam perjalanan. Jadi kalau aku sakit, aku mengeluh lewat telepon saja. Biar kata-kata dari yang terkasih setidaknya meringankan sedikit rasa lemas.

Perasaan sendirian mulai sering hinggap. Apalagi teman-teman mulai mengepakkan sayapnya. Meninggalkan dahan mulai yang bergoyang ini. Aku tunggu apa? Ada momentum datang tapi kupilih angan akan momentum selanjutnya. Modal percaya, kataku. Apakah perasaan akrab dengan kesendirian dan kesepian bisa menjadi modal bertahan di fase selanjutnya? Semoga!

Akal-akalan Anak Kedua

Tadi malam adikku yang spesial itu menelepon. Jarang-jarang. Karena aku sendiri suka takut menerima telepon dari si bungsu itu karena seringnya berisi keluh kesah yang bikin aku kepikiran sampai seminggu. Memang spesial dia. Spesial bikin aku suka mendadak gelisah.

Dia cerita banyak hal. Untungnya bukan marah-marah. Life update. Walau hidup tidak selalu mulus, seringnya bikin terkocok-kocok, lebih menyenangkan ketika emosinya diparkir dulu kemudian cerita objektif yang terjadi saja kadang cukup walau tanpa bumbu. Setidaknya tidak bikin aku mual. Lagi-lagi, si kakak ini kepikiran, sayangku.

Bahasa kami tidak selalu sama. Ada masa-masa aku bingung menanggapi apa yang dimuntahkan dia dari kepalanya. Atau hatinya. Alur pikir kami sering tak sejalan. Aku dan kakakku lebih sering satu suara. Pisces dan Aquarius yang tumbuh di fase yang kurang lebih sama. Yang terakhir ini memang Aries, natur meledak dan lagi fase kehidupan kami mulai berubah di saat usianya krusial. Aku sering berpikir, apakah ini ego khas lelaki bungsu?

Kali ini bahasa kami seperti terkalibrasi. Ternyata, dia sedang belajar. Benar belajar karena dia sedang ikut kelas. Hal yang aku tunggu-tunggu dari lama. Karena aku suka belajar hal baru, tapi kenapa dia tidak? Aku senang dengan aroma rasa percaya dirinya yang bangkit. Dia juga cerita tentang masa sedihnya yang bikin aku mengikik. Mengikik karena been there done that, putus hihihi. Dia cerita, pulang tengah malam sehabis putus dan mengadu ke temannya, kemudian pulang disambut ayah dan ibu pukul tiga pagi. Tepukan punggung dari ibu ternyata makin membuat air matanya deras berjatuhan. Memori yang mirip terputar ulang. Aku pulang dengan kalut dari Bandung, kemudian langsung dipeluk ayah yang sudah diberikan kisi-kisi dari kakak. Sehabis puas menangis, lanjut ke McDonalds untuk asupan gula. Dan distraksi tentunya. Khas ayah sekali.

Dari semua kegilaan yang sering terjadi, ternyata tiga bocah ini sangat beruntung punya orang tua yang hadir di saat-saat kami jatuh di kesedihan. Yang mendengarkan saat kami dengan leluasa bercerita apa yang terjadi maupun saat meminta restu.

Telepon berlanjut terus. Cerita pula dia tentang rencana masa depannya. Tentang kami bertiga yang berbagi tugas memutar roda rumah. Aku senang dia punya harapan lagi. Dia bilang, dia tau akal-akalanku. Akal-akalan anak kedua yang mengalihkan perhatian berupa kehadiran menjadi pemasok kebutuhan yang selalu siap sedia dari jauh. Katanya dia juga mau. Hehe. Aku mengelak saat dia menyuruhku pulang. "Rumah penuh, ih". Jawabanku tidak menghasilkan perlawanan. Rumah memang rasanya mengecil. Terakhir kurasa rumah luas sekali saat 3 SD. Belum lagi, ada si bocah cilik rambut ikal yang sekarang menjadi pusat perhatian dengan tingkah lucunya.

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Sekarang, aku tenang dan senang.

On Earth, As It is in Heaven.

The idea of what my future would be like is always in my mind. It's not always the grande one. I love chips and snack when I was a kid. Just like regular kid, my mom gave me a limit to taste the superficial. So I imagine myself in an older version to open a cabinet full of snacks and freely pick it up to my likings.

And... It happened. Years later I move to Jogja for college and live with my aunt who stores all the snacks in a cabinet. My favorite cabinet. She would allow me to grab any snacks I want when it was grocery day. Not the exact visual and detail but the idea stay the same. Me and the cabinet of snacks.

Then I moved to Bandung. Here I am living on my own and store any snacks I want. I store it on an open shelf just right above my study desk. I am fully responsible for the relationship of myself and the snacks.

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Then I reflect and trying to remember what kind of ideal life I want to live. The flexible one that I don't need to stay in one place. I could travel whenever I can. I could take a public transport to move from one place to another where I can fully wandering in my own thought during the trip. I could stop by on a lush park. I could decorate my own place. I enjoyed my work. I could create and channel my energy. And the most, I have friends who can I talk to and laugh with. Also all the communities and events which nourish me.

These days, I can barely say that I am living in my dream now.

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And now I continue my dream about the similar thing in different place where things is colder but warmer to rely on.

Jauh Tapi Dekat

I found a new urge.

I want to explore the world. I want to staying longer outside this zone. I already had the chance to see the snippets and it push me to go further.

Maybe things won't be as easy as it seems but I am curious to experience it myself. Something to pursue. 

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Aku sedang engap-engap baca files daftar fellowship. Tapi kan bukan berarti tidak bisa yeah.

Variety of Something that Moved Us

I once read a blog. The writer said that loneliness is the fuel to create art. At least that is what Da Vinci did, he said. Da Vinci kept himself in loneliness. Nurturing the lonely feeling and decided to marry to no one. 

I wonder if what he posted down on the blog was the fragments of his thoughts. Is he enjoying loneliness? Does loneliness speak loudly to him? And the biggest question since he was referring to Da Vinci, does he take loneliness as a fuel to his creations?

— because it’s funny. I am a total opposite.

Remember the time when I visited Leopold Museum in Vienna. The exhibition was about Vienna Secession and the pioneers who were mostly artists-painter. I read all the descriptions and the stories of their life carefully. Their soap opera-like slice of life. It was very interesting to know. At least, four of them were having an affair with married women. Or if it wasn’t intriguing enough, the woman they were having affair with was the wife of their patron. Moreover, they didn’t do it quietly nor sneakily. They expressed their forbidden (I mean, if monogamy is still in the room back then) love by publicly made their lover as their muse for their paintings. Those paintings with different kinds of strokes. A desired brush strokes.

A desire. Lust that moved them. A combination of adrenaline and libido that rushing to turn into something beautiful. A feeling that you can’t hold but to express it. I almost made a new theory that to be a renowned artist, one should be scandalous enough to let the creative juices streams to your hands and made art. But no, thank you. Modern life is tricky enough for me already to add a scandalous story.

Well, something interesting I found is, instead of lust, I am moved by love. The feeling you feel when you are falling in love. The energy that comes when you’re attracted to someone until you make them as an object. An object you adore which grows your curiosity to digging deeper. It brings you an imagination (though i have to be careful enough until it turns to delusion) that unlock your potential. Sometimes it even uncovers the other side of you. A new brush strokes that you don’t even know that you have. It leads to an urge to channel your energy into something you can show to the world.

“Here, ladies and gentlemen, I am falling in love and the world needs to know.”

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I wonder if what moved us was a contradiction. A dichotomy of one and two. To be fair, I enjoy being alone (although I broke this statement right after I got fever, alone in my room last week). I cherish every moment I explore things on my own company. Even this writing came up out of loneliness. Because I’m no longer sure if I’m still falling in love with someone. But all I know, I fall in love with myself. With the solitude that makes my brain works harder and with all the serendipity that coming along the way. So, are we somewhat have the similar force?

Merawat

Aku suka rasa suka yang mengalir deras. Menggebu dan bergemuruh. Seperti kembang api yang meletup di langit gelap. Dadaku berdegup kencang, otot-otot halus terus menegang menarik ujung-ujung bibirku. Dibanding rasa sepi, aku lebih suka rasa ini. Suatu waktu tertambat kepada yang kuat, lain waktu berkembang pada yang tenang.

Aku suka endorfin. Sampai-sampai sel-sel kewalahan menuju titik batas produksi.

Hari ini aku tenang.

17 Agu 2025

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Aku menangis karena ingat momen bahagia. Lucu. Pertama kali. Mau lagi kalau boleh.

2 Sep 2025

The Idea of You

What's linger on you? Is it an objective judgment of mine or just a beautiful idea of a persona in my head that I stick directly to you?

Did I turn the projector on and the lights blurred your lines? Is this you being objectified? Or should I move below the east sun longer to see your meticulous sculpt that makes you... you? Are you a printed repro or a graphite directly etched on the wall?

I enjoyed blurry Monet as I enjoy the sharp intimacy of Klimt's. You maybe see both have the same thread. Love. The calm one and the burning one. Can I choose both at once? Though I’d love to choose the calm one for now.