I want to treat heartbreak just like when the butterflies held a dancing party on my stomach. Funny feelings that I celebrate. When I can turn love to something, why not heartbreak? In a way, this feels like a commodity. A belief that I have to produce no matter how I feel. But, what if I rephrase this into a process of me to let feelings go? Because feelings flow. And it needs outlet. To express, they say. Still it be commodified?
Why?
Tahun 2023 aku melewatkan aktivitas mengoleksi memori. Padahal banyak yang terjadi. Yang sebenarnya paling mantap, tentu karena akhirnya aku solo travelling lagi dan lebih-lebih ke tempat yang jauh untuk ikut lokakarya seni. Travel dan seni, sebuah kombo favorit dalam hidupku. Waktu itu spesial sekali. Belum lagi bonus-bonus pergi jauh selanjutnya dari YME. Dari awalnya ke Austria dan Slovakia, lanjut ke Hongkong, Vietnam, Kamboja, Malaysia, dan tentu surprise terakhir ke Jepang. Aku terbahak, oh ini rasanya jadi manusia bougee hahaha!
Dokumentasi 2025 cukup banyak. Kali ini aku mencoba peruntungan lagi. Hari Jumat lalu dan baru saja tadi sore, ternyata aku dapat penolakan. Penolakan hari Jumat tidak sesedih hari ini. Mungkin karena baru satu kegagalan dari tiga percobaan. Sekarang sisa satu lagi, rasa sedihnya bercampur ketegangan. Aku rakus. Aku berdoa malam minta tiga-tiganya masuk. Biar satu tahun back to back isinya residensi. Ingat dulu tanteku menggumam waktu dengar rencanaku daftar residensi. "Belajar terus kapan kerjanya?" Tapi dipikir-pikir, I chose to adapt. Adapt by learning. Dan aku suka.
Mimpinya sekarang, aku mau tinggal di luar Indonesia. Tentu di negara yang maju karena lotre kehidupanku dapatnya lahir di negara berkembang ini. Jadi daripada kunjungan sementara seminggu dua minggu seperti sebelumnya, aku ingin yang lebih lama. Cukup lama sampai aku memilih dengan mantap untuk menaruh jangkar. Artist visa, doaku sekarang.
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Aku sekarang di kamar di Bandung. Sendiri. Waktu kecil tentu aku tidak terpikir akan tinggal sendirian cukup lama. Tiga tahun. Tidak ada sanak saudara terdekat yang jaraknya bisa ditempuh setidaknya setengah jam perjalanan. Jadi kalau aku sakit, aku mengeluh lewat telepon saja. Biar kata-kata dari yang terkasih setidaknya meringankan sedikit rasa lemas.
Perasaan sendirian mulai sering hinggap. Apalagi teman-teman mulai mengepakkan sayapnya. Meninggalkan dahan mulai yang bergoyang ini. Aku tunggu apa? Ada momentum datang tapi kupilih angan akan momentum selanjutnya. Modal percaya, kataku. Apakah perasaan akrab dengan kesendirian dan kesepian bisa menjadi modal bertahan di fase selanjutnya? Semoga!
Tadi malam adikku yang spesial itu menelepon. Jarang-jarang. Karena aku sendiri suka takut menerima telepon dari si bungsu itu karena seringnya berisi keluh kesah yang bikin aku kepikiran sampai seminggu. Memang spesial dia. Spesial bikin aku suka mendadak gelisah.
Dia cerita banyak hal. Untungnya bukan marah-marah. Life update. Walau hidup tidak selalu mulus, seringnya bikin terkocok-kocok, lebih menyenangkan ketika emosinya diparkir dulu kemudian cerita objektif yang terjadi saja kadang cukup walau tanpa bumbu. Setidaknya tidak bikin aku mual. Lagi-lagi, si kakak ini kepikiran, sayangku.
Bahasa kami tidak selalu sama. Ada masa-masa aku bingung menanggapi apa yang dimuntahkan dia dari kepalanya. Atau hatinya. Alur pikir kami sering tak sejalan. Aku dan kakakku lebih sering satu suara. Pisces dan Aquarius yang tumbuh di fase yang kurang lebih sama. Yang terakhir ini memang Aries, natur meledak dan lagi fase kehidupan kami mulai berubah di saat usianya krusial. Aku sering berpikir, apakah ini ego khas lelaki bungsu?
Kali ini bahasa kami seperti terkalibrasi. Ternyata, dia sedang belajar. Benar belajar karena dia sedang ikut kelas. Hal yang aku tunggu-tunggu dari lama. Karena aku suka belajar hal baru, tapi kenapa dia tidak? Aku senang dengan aroma rasa percaya dirinya yang bangkit. Dia juga cerita tentang masa sedihnya yang bikin aku mengikik. Mengikik karena been there done that, putus hihihi. Dia cerita, pulang tengah malam sehabis putus dan mengadu ke temannya, kemudian pulang disambut ayah dan ibu pukul tiga pagi. Tepukan punggung dari ibu ternyata makin membuat air matanya deras berjatuhan. Memori yang mirip terputar ulang. Aku pulang dengan kalut dari Bandung, kemudian langsung dipeluk ayah yang sudah diberikan kisi-kisi dari kakak. Sehabis puas menangis, lanjut ke McDonalds untuk asupan gula. Dan distraksi tentunya. Khas ayah sekali.
Dari semua kegilaan yang sering terjadi, ternyata tiga bocah ini sangat beruntung punya orang tua yang hadir di saat-saat kami jatuh di kesedihan. Yang mendengarkan saat kami dengan leluasa bercerita apa yang terjadi maupun saat meminta restu.
Telepon berlanjut terus. Cerita pula dia tentang rencana masa depannya. Tentang kami bertiga yang berbagi tugas memutar roda rumah. Aku senang dia punya harapan lagi. Dia bilang, dia tau akal-akalanku. Akal-akalan anak kedua yang mengalihkan perhatian berupa kehadiran menjadi pemasok kebutuhan yang selalu siap sedia dari jauh. Katanya dia juga mau. Hehe. Aku mengelak saat dia menyuruhku pulang. "Rumah penuh, ih". Jawabanku tidak menghasilkan perlawanan. Rumah memang rasanya mengecil. Terakhir kurasa rumah luas sekali saat 3 SD. Belum lagi, ada si bocah cilik rambut ikal yang sekarang menjadi pusat perhatian dengan tingkah lucunya.
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Sekarang, aku tenang dan senang.
The idea of what my future would be like is always in my mind. It's not always the grande one. I love chips and snack when I was a kid. Just like regular kid, my mom gave me a limit to taste the superficial. So I imagine myself in an older version to open a cabinet full of snacks and freely pick it up to my likings.
And... It happened. Years later I move to Jogja for college and live with my aunt who stores all the snacks in a cabinet. My favorite cabinet. She would allow me to grab any snacks I want when it was grocery day. Not the exact visual and detail but the idea stay the same. Me and the cabinet of snacks.
Then I moved to Bandung. Here I am living on my own and store any snacks I want. I store it on an open shelf just right above my study desk. I am fully responsible for the relationship of myself and the snacks.
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Then I reflect and trying to remember what kind of ideal life I want to live. The flexible one that I don't need to stay in one place. I could travel whenever I can. I could take a public transport to move from one place to another where I can fully wandering in my own thought during the trip. I could stop by on a lush park. I could decorate my own place. I enjoyed my work. I could create and channel my energy. And the most, I have friends who can I talk to and laugh with. Also all the communities and events which nourish me.
These days, I can barely say that I am living in my dream now.
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And now I continue my dream about the similar thing in different place where things is colder but warmer to rely on.
I found a new urge.
I want to explore the world. I want to staying longer outside this zone. I already had the chance to see the snippets and it push me to go further.
Maybe things won't be as easy as it seems but I am curious to experience it myself. Something to pursue.
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Aku sedang engap-engap baca files daftar fellowship. Tapi kan bukan berarti tidak bisa yeah.
I once read a blog. The writer said that loneliness is the fuel to create art. At least that is what Da Vinci did, he said. Da Vinci kept himself in loneliness. Nurturing the lonely feeling and decided to marry to no one.
I wonder if what he posted down on the blog was the fragments of his thoughts. Is he enjoying loneliness? Does loneliness speak loudly to him? And the biggest question since he was referring to Da Vinci, does he take loneliness as a fuel to his creations?
— because it’s funny. I am a total opposite.
Remember the time when I visited Leopold Museum in Vienna. The exhibition was about Vienna Secession and the pioneers who were mostly artists-painter. I read all the descriptions and the stories of their life carefully. Their soap opera-like slice of life. It was very interesting to know. At least, four of them were having an affair with married women. Or if it wasn’t intriguing enough, the woman they were having affair with was the wife of their patron. Moreover, they didn’t do it quietly nor sneakily. They expressed their forbidden (I mean, if monogamy is still in the room back then) love by publicly made their lover as their muse for their paintings. Those paintings with different kinds of strokes. A desired brush strokes.
A desire. Lust that moved them. A combination of adrenaline and libido that rushing to turn into something beautiful. A feeling that you can’t hold but to express it. I almost made a new theory that to be a renowned artist, one should be scandalous enough to let the creative juices streams to your hands and made art. But no, thank you. Modern life is tricky enough for me already to add a scandalous story.
Well, something interesting I found is, instead of lust, I am moved by love. The feeling you feel when you are falling in love. The energy that comes when you’re attracted to someone until you make them as an object. An object you adore which grows your curiosity to digging deeper. It brings you an imagination (though i have to be careful enough until it turns to delusion) that unlock your potential. Sometimes it even uncovers the other side of you. A new brush strokes that you don’t even know that you have. It leads to an urge to channel your energy into something you can show to the world.
“Here, ladies and gentlemen, I am falling in love and the world needs to know.”
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I wonder if what moved us was a contradiction. A dichotomy of one and two. To be fair, I enjoy being alone (although I broke this statement right after I got fever, alone in my room last week). I cherish every moment I explore things on my own company. Even this writing came up out of loneliness. Because I’m no longer sure if I’m still falling in love with someone. But all I know, I fall in love with myself. With the solitude that makes my brain works harder and with all the serendipity that coming along the way. So, are we somewhat have the similar force?
Aku suka rasa suka yang mengalir deras. Menggebu dan bergemuruh. Seperti kembang api yang meletup di langit gelap. Dadaku berdegup kencang, otot-otot halus terus menegang menarik ujung-ujung bibirku. Dibanding rasa sepi, aku lebih suka rasa ini. Suatu waktu tertambat kepada yang kuat, lain waktu berkembang pada yang tenang.
Aku suka endorfin. Sampai-sampai sel-sel kewalahan menuju titik batas produksi.
Hari ini aku tenang.
17 Agu 2025
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Aku menangis karena ingat momen bahagia. Lucu. Pertama kali. Mau lagi kalau boleh.
2 Sep 2025
What's linger on you? Is it an objective judgment of mine or just a beautiful idea of a persona in my head that I stick directly to you?
Did I turn the projector on and the lights blurred your lines? Is this you being objectified? Or should I move below the east sun longer to see your meticulous sculpt that makes you... you? Are you a printed repro or a graphite directly etched on the wall?
I enjoyed blurry Monet as I enjoy the sharp intimacy of Klimt's. You maybe see both have the same thread. Love. The calm one and the burning one. Can I choose both at once? Though I’d love to choose the calm one for now.
I just got back from Japan.
Life unfolds unexpectedly. I am afraid that life recklessly poured the lucky sprinkles on top of my head. I only had less than a month to prepare (what to prepare though except the excitement?). Long story short, this trip was the extension of me being one of the employees of the year. The decision made in a blink of an eye. I use my flight miles to cover half of the flight expenses and all done.
I actually planned to do a solo travel next year instead since I can't even see the forecast of my life until the end of this year. But when the chance is showing its nose, I pinch it. No doubt.
What happened in Osaka was more interesting. I joined an architectural trip and went to Osaka Expo. Japan itself is so interesting that I believe their charm steal people's heart. Mine included.
Hereby, I want to write a special milestone about me getting to know myself more. Last time I wrote about the type that I like from a man (or human I can say) was the muscular one. I guess this can't be wrong but not a total correct of me. I found that more than appearance, those humans with passion attracted me the most. The one who consistently doing what sparks their heart. Who embrace and appreciate small beautiful things like those whimsy flowers. Who digging more than what is served and slowing down in between.
May we find each other again in a beautiful state. In a new chapter.
See ya!
P.S. I finally got to experience a walk (or let's call it a date nevertheless) after almost a year. Not to mention that my playful act could attract someone to make a move. It was fun after all lol.
Back to this blog since I am now literally in a different state of mind.
The last lemons I got makes me learn and noticing my body thoroughly. Especially about the sensation that coming up everytime I feel a particular emotion. Like nausea in my throat every time I'm sad and crying deeply. Not to mention, I can now predict my emotions based on my period cycle. Whenever I feel like to munch everything in front of me or just starting to feel like alpha and flirty.
These days, I've been looking for smitten feelings since I release my bad emotions. I enjoy the butterflies on my tummy. It's bringing back my sophomore or even my puberty era energy. Surprisingly I can maintain the feelings to make it borderline. Exciting for life but rational enough not to put too much hope on my wishing basket. Sabrina Carpenter's explicit songs are starting to replace my Taylor Swift playlist. Juno is playing on repeat with its catchy romcom intro and horny lyrics combined. I can't not laugh with the idea of me feeling like liking someone again. Not that fall fall but attracted. Even I add a box more to tick on my type, fit (include a quite muscular one). LOL
Yep, I do work out much. It helps me to clear my mind pluuuus I love my body more. My tiny muscles are starting to appear here and there and I am so excited of that. Yippie! (Um, did I mention about those muscular gym crushes at the gym? 👀)
On a side note, talking about a bigger picture of this phase, I think to letting go is the one of the points I need to learn. Started from Eyang who left for eternity, the one who I should let go since the early days, and lastly Nadya who was being my pillar on this phase to spread her wings to Bali. So, I surrender and I have learnt my lesson.
Well, life's good so far. I enjoys the days I spend with friends and communities here in Bandung. I feel loved and seen. The highlight is now I need to reevaluate my habit to make everything in balance especially for Geekgo works. The art bugs begin to show and I don't want to miss it.
See ya!
February has always been a favorite month of mine since it's my birthday month.
This year, it feels liberating. I thank God to make this year extra by putting that day became the office gathering day, especially the award I got at that occasion. It's like the cherry on top of all the blessings that day.
I really feel extremely loved and celebrated.
I dimmed my light unconsciously after all the gaslights I face. I was questioning myself a lot at the lowest point of my life. Do I deserve to be loved? Will I be okay being single after all those years? Will I be feeling lonely? and other questions that fed my insecurities. I am grateful that I'm surrounded by loving and caring people. From family, high school buddies, college pals, office mates (even the last and current), fellow artists, and friends. My heart is full and I believe everything will come in a full circle, filled with love, hope, and joy. At the end, I am no longer asking if I'm deserved to be loved, I am loved already. Immense love.
P.S. I tried CrossFit and it reveals the other side of me??? It's fun I can say. Can't believe I've committed to 6-months gym subscription and have just sign up for 8 more months 😂 Bravo, Vina! You've just unlocked your wish to join a new community 👍🏻
I made it to a therapist.
I couldn't hold my anger so I immediately book one last week. My life was in peace until the truth crushed me down. It costed me my hardly earned tranquility. But everything seemed fall accordingly. The timing, the place, the budget, and the phase, you name it.
I skipped my anger, being aware that hatred is a soul consumer. So I let it go. Furious isn't my favorite feeling. But it was all me, I guess The Good God let me to experience all of this otherwise. I remember the moment I get to know the fact, I was at home, surrounded by my family, my safe place. Can't imagine if It happened when I was alone in Bandung. Then I impulsively decided to book a session with a psychologist, with no budget on my plate. But that day I got some dimes to my bank account just in an enough amount for a 2-hours therapy session. Coincidentally.
The session itself was nice, little cry but more laugh. I laugh for everything that has happened and the fear I face. Overall, It was warm and humbling, getting to know myself even more and helped me to elaborate the emotions within.
Several days after, I still burned over everything. Questioning and trying to understand. But these days I surrender. I prepare my self just to get ready. For everything. To patiently believe in myself. So don't worry, reap what you sow. I poured love. So much love I could give.
P.S. I always talked about a home and a house with a washing machine and refrigerator and why is it so hard to accomplish. In a breathing session, I came to a question. Is it really just all I want? Because it was only a bare minimum. Was my mind blocked to aim higher after years?
Never have I imagined in my life that I'll be involved in a such drama. A betrayal one. The worst one.
After five month of a quiet heartbreak (which still defend you here and there. I know I know it's stupid), finally the rage slipped in. The step that I don't think I need. You make a fool of me. For the things I confronted many times. Finally, I come to the decision to start to see you that low. Congrats, I guess? Because you know hate is a big word for me.
Your decision is disappointing me. Instead of working on yourself, you jump to start over with the old person. The one I know will still get flashed over your high explanations without knowing what's within. I would appreciate better if it was a new fresh start. Something that you haven't done for so long.
I thought we were a match since I guess we are in the same base. But no. You can't bear with me standing equally with you. You want somebody who adore you so much on the surface. Good luck if it was always be your dream.
P.S. I really can't wait for the moment to punch you in the face. I really mean it. I've been spending hours in the gym.
